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AnnouncementIt has been decided that July 4th, 2000 will be held on Dec. 18th, 2000, instead. This is because it has come to our attention that lots of particularly silly and inexplicable behavior takes place around this time. This includes but is not limited to Parades advertising commodities (Buicks, banks, veterans, kids, scouts of various sorts, lite rock djs grooving to their own lame tunes, America, politicians waving while their drivers sweat, and pizza dorks blasting hot air from the base of a hot air balloon, but it's just too hot for that kind of crap) as "patriotic", picnics where relatives swear and grump at each other, and the proliferation of colorful explosive devices doing their "Thing". In particular, we are at a loss to explain the existence of "Shriners". Are these people kept in closets and brought out strictly for parades? Are they even people, or are they simply inflatable, permanently affixed to their vehicles? Is this why, year after year, they never seem to get any younger? And what about the other strange groups of persons wandering around in and out of the various groups of Shriners? The Observed included The Chronologically Challenged, The Lone Spaceman (not affiliated with any group or "float", but simply walking around by himself), WEFT (one member of said WEFT was observed on a bike carrying a cardboard shark poised to take a chunk from said individual's posterior - very strange indeed!), Dancing pre-teens, various groups of The Devout (some wearing bowties), Bananas for America, and (least explicable of all), Guns Save Lives.com. Also observed were arguments among spectators about various "progressive" and "conservative" viewpoints espoused by parade participants. We are still searching for coherent explanations for the above. As most of these silly events taking place under the guise of patriotism are distinctly summer oriented, we are hoping that the celebration of Independence Day in the middle of December will lead to joyous, yet more sane celebrations. Maybe people will cut down small deciduous trees and put them in the middle of their living rooms and decorate them with red, white, and blue crepe paper (thus offsetting any loss of profit for the crepe paper industry). Or maybe we will exchange 4th of July cards in the aforementioned colors, with candy and promises of love. Regardless of how we choose to celebrate, we are hoping that Independence day remains a joyous occasion for all. Any complaints can be registered with the Complaints Department Monday-Friday between the hours of 5-9 pm, Mountain Time. Thank you for your cooperation. -The Management
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