2 August 1999
Joe Futrelle

The coyote has defied every effort to defeat it -- hundreds of thousands are deliberately and legally killed every year -- and has literally taken over North America. -- The New York Times

Washington, D.C. (Associated Sarcasm) -- In a surprise move that has literally sent shockwaves through the beltway and beyond, Coyotoes seized control of the United States, Canada and Mexico. President Bill Clinton cut short a series of fundraising trips to return to the capitol to cede power to the species of wild dogs. At a hastily-constructed podium outside of Santa Fe, New Mexico, Wile E. Coyote, the new President of North America, gave a far-reaching address announcing the principles and structure of the new North American government. Linguists are working around the clock to decipher the series of howls.

"We tried," an exhausted Sen. Edward Kennedy said after a 24-hour emergency session of congress aimed at arriving at a plan to dismantle the federal government as rapidly as possible, in concert with the planned phase-out of state governments later this week. Republicans were quick to blame the Clinton administration for having been soft on Coyotes, but this parting shot echoed hollowly through the halls of congress, scheduled to be demolished on Tuesday by the ACME corporation, the chief contractor for Mr. Coyote's new government.