5 September 1999
Anne Bargar

Statistics

In a recent poll, 100% of university students believed that it was important for them to eat, drink, sleep, and perform other bodily functions. Some 47% remembered that they had eaten a meal in the last few hours, but only 56% recalled breathing recently. 13% of those polled said they were Republicans, 18% said they were Democrats, 25% of those polled said that they were from outer space, 38% said they had no political affiliation, 37% were apathetic, 17.6% reported inertia, and 2% know a seeing-eye dog on a first-name basis. 45% of polled Republicans, 35% of polled independents, and 97% of those knowing a seeing-eye dog were aware that they had to sometimes visit the bathroom, while 47% of the inert, 67% of the space aliens, and 30% of the unaffiliated enjoyed "sophisticated" bathroom reading. 10% of all polled said that they might not recognize Richard Nixon without postmortem reconstructive surgery. 57% believed that Richard Nixon could be reconstructed with DNA and some computer parts, although they questioned the wisdom of such a move. In the other corner, 83% found the existence of the technology to be impossible, but thought that this resurrection should be done "for the sake of the country." 5% of those polled had no belief in a higher purpose, while the other 5% couldn't tell a double helix from Wonderbreadâ. 45% of all respondents prefer "the shakes," while 55% prefer "the heebee jeebees." 234% of those 55% felt that the next presidential race should include bear wrestling, while 546% of the aforementioned thought that to be "a bit extreme" and "unnecessary." 51% found that they were turning into percents even as they spoke on the phone, while .08% refused a "Moose-through-the-mail" offer. 49%, 75%, and 91% found themselves to be in cahoots with 11%, 2%, and 97.3%. 56% of all percents got tired of waiting for the train, 34% of all percents haven't got a clue as to who is in the White House, and 97% of all percents change their oil with less infrequency every single year. 999% of all percents claim that this poem has stopped making sense, and 89% of the poem itself agrees.