6 October 1999
Anne Bargar

Monsanto Goes Bonkers part 2

Dear Mr./Mrs./Miss/Ms Monsanto,

I am writing to congratulate you on your recent announcement that you had developed a plant which could grow recyclable plastic. You must be very proud of this accomplishment! I would like to point out, however, that you would be receiving more widespread public excitement, especially among environmentalists, if you had made your news more public. I mentioned to my neighbor just this morning how nice it was that a corporate giant such as yourself would take the time and the effort to do something like this, and my neighbor looked at me as though I was nuts. Evidently, he had heard nothing of it! Then I remembered that I had heard the news myself during a fit of insomnia, as I was listening to the BBC news at 3 am. Funny that I haven't heard it from one of the networks or major papers yet.

Such a bioengineering giant as yourself must have whole departments of highly-paid creative types who come up with your product and research ideas. I thought that I could however give you a few ideas that you could possibly use in future product development meetings. I was thinking, wouldn't it be nice to develop a shrub that grew "fixed" dogs and cats? there could be different types of shrubs for different breeds, including the ever-popular "mutt". This would help address a grave social ill. And what about trees that produce electronic appliances, cars, or packaged industrial solvents? This would certainly reduce the number of workplace-related injuries and deaths that happen each year, as well as an end to labor problems. And what about "family" and "organic" farms that could plant, grow, harvest, and ship themselves? That would mean a big reduction in government subsidies that are given out to farmers every year! What a boost to our economy THAT would be!

I certainly hope that these suggestions can be useful in some way. If so, let me know, and I can send you my bill.

Yours Truly,