17 October 1999
Bill Wendling

Alien Planet Open for Colonization
Except for Pesky Aliens

American Association of Poets -- Space...The final frontier! Or should it be? A widening group of scientists are of the opinion that taking over the planet "Vulcan" (named after the popular sci-fi "TV" show Star Trek) may be a bad idea.

"These people were really nice to us when we first encountered them. They freely gave of what they had," says Dr. Fleem of Carnegie Mellon. "Now, they are virtual slaves."

Why are they slaves? "Well, they are godless heathens, for one! They don't understand the concept of God, which, of course, only a higher form of life can comprehend," explained Colonel Unger of NASA. "We are trying to convert them to our religion, but they will never quite be human, since God never revealed Himself to them directly...an obvious sign that they are not as highly evolved as we are."

Many aliens of the planet "Vulcan" who are resistant to the idea of religion are used to work on space vehicle repairs. They live in comfortable rooms while they do, though it is possible to fit several of them into a space which could only occupy one human. They receive audio transmissions of Biblical teaching while they work through their headsets.

"For those most resistant to the teachings of religion, we've found that euthanasia is the best cure. It's very unfortunate, but it is much preferable to allowing them to live out their lives in a lie," Colonel Unger said. "Besides, the aliens are unable to feel pain like we higher evolved humans do. Most of our scientists even go so far to say that they don't have the sense of touch!"

The aliens, whose language we've never mastered, are also taught English to facilitate communication.

"This is a rather difficult task, actually," said Dr. Brethal, linguist at MIT. "We are unsure of how they communicated before. Their vocal cords, or what we assume are their vocal cords, have seemed to atrophy over their evolution. Not to mention the enormous issue of two completely unrelated cultures trying to find some similarities between the two in order to build up a communication channel."

"We've found torture to be the best method of getting them to speak, or should I say 'squeak,' our language," Unger elaborates. "They are reticent to speak our language as they act like it's causing them pain, which, of course, is ridiculous."

When asked about the alien's apparent lack of communication facilities and their wonderful achievements: architecturally beautiful spires reaching to the heavens, "songs" which are played on instruments, etc., Colonel Unger said, "Well, they seem very good in artistic pursuits, but that's really neither here nor there. Their lack of communication abilities coupled with their total lack of a religious base would nullify these achievements."

Leading religious leaders and congresspeople on Earth advocate extending the concept of "Eminent Domain" to extend to godless places off of Earth.

"The Lord God Almightly blessed Earth and ONLY Earth with his only Son, our Lord Jesus Christ. He also send His Holy Spirit. All Three of which make up One God. We followed His commandment to be fruitful and multiply. We've multiplied so much that the Earth which He lovingly gave us is quickly becoming unlivable. It's perfectly reasonable to look upon other heavenly bodies, which our Lord hand-crafted, to live. They are ours to subjugate!" announced Rep. Harold Mark.

As a result, funding for colonization ships to the planet Vulcan are being debated in Congress.

When asked about the aliens actually living on this planet, Rep. Mark said, "They are in the way of our God given right to multiply and conquer new lands. They are godless heathens. Those who are useful to us will become our 'helpers' in creating new societies. Those who oppose us will need to be dealt with in harsher ways."

The alien planet, Vulcan, was discovered 50 years ago. The people of the planet welcomed the astronauts with large feasts and great hospitality. With their help, the astronauts were able to repair their ships. They traded various trinkets with the aliens in exchange for seemingly wonderful pieces of artwork and craftsmanship.