3 November 1999
Joe Futrelle

"CHIEF ILLINIWEK" DIES IN SMALL PLANE CRASH

Analysts Note Trend in Minor-Celebrity Small-Aircraft Deaths

Grand Rapids, MI (Associated Poets) -- Chief Illiniwek, leader of the Illini tribe and controversial mascot of the University of Illinois's "Fighting Illini" athletic teams, died in what was apparently an accident involving the ten-seater turbo-prop airplane he boarded after a last-minute change in travel plans. The plane, piloted by fellow tribesman Pilots Light Aircraft, went sharply off course during its ascent to cruising altitude, losing radio contact with air traffic controllers seconds later.

The demise of "the chief" did little to mute the controversy surrounding the traditionally-garbed cheerleader, who some people view as a hurtful caricature of a downtrodden culture in the service of a football team which admittedly sucks. "The chief is a jinx," reiterated an awfully portly anti-chief agitator from behind tri-focals, "all symbols are a jinx." Some pro-chief activists broke from their busy schedules of studying the history and culture of indigenous american peoples to hurl accusations of conspiracy against the anti-chief movement, but FAA officials trawling through the wreckage insist that they have found no evidence of foul play.

A DISTURBING TREND

Trend-spotters reacted with raised eyebrows to what they see as the latest development in a pattern of minor-celebrity small-aircraft deaths, which leapt onto the national agenda with the loss of John F. Kennedy Jr. earlier this year. "There are several factors at work here," explained Madeline Shattuck of the Minor Celebrity Light Aircraft Fatality Institute, a non-profit watchdog organization monitoring the trend. Firstly, minor celebrities are one of the fastest-growing population segments by some 17%. The MCLAFI predicts that by the year 2030, one in three US citizens will be a minor celebrity. Secondly, the average size of an airplane in the US is reaching a 30-year low. Shattuck also notes that 93% of all minor celebrity light aircraft fatalities occur after last-minute changes in travel plans. "I suggest making travel plans and sticking to them," she says.

Roger Brighton, president of the Celebrity Aircraft Fatality Association (MCLAFI's parent organization), says CAFA has also noted a trend towards smaller aircraft. "After the John Denver [fatality], I called up Oprah Winfrey just to make sure she wasn't into hang-gliding," Brighton recounts.