Analysis of Newsweek 21st Century Predictions Staff Writers

Recently, Newsweek magazine did a whole "special report" predicting what the 21st century would be like. As the first of a two-part special News Poetry 21st Century Predictions extravaganza, we take a look at an analysis of Newsweek's prediction staff, based on what they decided would and would not survive to the end of the 21st Century. Based on their predictions, we can tell that;

1. Most Newsweek Analysts are not vegetarian. Hence the prediction that tofu will not survive into the next century, despite its several-thousand year existence thus far.

2. Newsweek Analysts aren't aware of the basic structure of physical matter. Thus, they predict that Twinkies will not survive the 21st Century. It is well-known that Twinkies can be broken down into their base components only by powerful digestive acids. No other force on earth can destroy a Twinkie.

3. Newsweek Analysts prefer The Beatles to Elvis. They have predicted that Elvis will not survive the 21st Century. In a very real sense, they are right, seeing as Elvis has been dead since 1977.

4. Newsweek analysts prefer space-age polymer concoctions to real food. This is indicated by the suggestion that ovens will be obsolete within the next 100 years. Now, we have always known that real food is best prepared using some sort of dry heat method, often by employing that age-old element, fire. Space-age polymers, often in the guise of pre-packaged "convenience foods" (see Twinkies), are manufactured from component parts configured in laboratories, and are best when zapped in a microwave. Now, we all know that real food is far superior to space-age polymer "food." Except, evidently, Newsweek analysts.

5. The only wildlife Newsweek analysts ever see are cockroaches. Cockroaches, like Twinkies, are indestructible. Here we see a graph showing the different types of wildlife Newsweek analysts report having spotted in the last year.

   

6. The majority of Newsweek analysts have tried psychoanalysis and didn't like it.

7. Newsweek analysts, perhaps in spite of themselves, like "Baywatch."

8. Though Newsweek analysts may not be aware of it, fish have and will continue to reproduce.

9. Newsweek analysts would rather talk about irrelevant crap rather than news of any sort. Which is why they bothered with predictions in the first place.