BELTWAY INSIDERS OK STEAMY BI/HET LOVE TRYST
Floodgates Strained to Breaking Point

Dissociated Press Release (Associated Poets) Dateline Washington D.C.: In a landmark landslide compromise the U.S. congress passed a landfall bill making marriage between bi-sexual men and women legal today. Republican Congresswoman Mia Sitches and radical middle liberalist guerillas worked out the bill over the past several weeks in hiding in Abraham Lincoln's anus, which had been secretly carved into Mt. Rushmore as a covert meeting nook at the time of the completion of the sculpture-esque, mountainous sculpture-within-a-mountain- within-time-itself. [Sorry about the mind -- Ed.]

"Unlike homosexuals, bi-sexuals," said the Congresswoman, "are at least fifty percent straight, and I think as long as they marry the opposite sex they're as good as one-hundred-and-fifty percent straight in the eyes of God and/or the American people." And an unidentified androgenous-yet-fully-male-in-every-way spokesman for the radical middle liberalist guerrillas added, "The important point for us is that, in the spirit of the compromise of who we are that this country was built on, we have all finally come around to recognizing that there's some humanity in everyone. Even if it's only fifty percent, that's fifty percent more than before the bill."

Homosexual marriages still remain outlawed in all states but possibly Vermont, but many gay and lesbian rights activists are hopeful that with this new air of compromise underway gays and lesbians may soon at least win the right to squabble over common relationship issues, and the right to marry may follow not too far behind. While there seems to be general agreement within both the House and Senate, some Congressional leaders fear that this compromise will open a floodgate.

A group of conservative Senate minority leaders has put together a counter bill that would make marriage illegal for everyone. The bill, however, calls for a provision that anyone who has divorced in the last twenty-five years would have to re-marry, hence effectively making legal only heterosexual marriages in which one or both spouses finds the marriage unsatisfactory. A spokeswoman for the Lavender Law Collective, a lesbian legal action group, replied with overall support for this counterbill stating, "I see no contradiction between the compromise bill and the counter bill. The compromise bill recognizes fifty percent of every bi-sexual person as fully half human, while the counter bill seems to go one further by focussing marital discontent within a marriage rather than between marriages as is now the case where all the heteros are so discontent with the thought of possible marriages of homosexuals that they ignore the discontent within their own marriages. The second bill would force them to live with that discontent for a very long time."

Both bills will be voted on in the House tomorrow.