Government Buys Bad Drama

n a report which has shocked the nation, Gen. Barry McCaffrey, the Drug Czar, announced that the government has been paying the big broadcast TV networks to incorporate anti-drug messages in network TV shows.

Congress in 1997 financed a huge anti-drug advertising campaign that required that media outlets match any advertising time purchased by the federal government with an equal amount of public service time. That mandate essentially gives the drug office and other government agencies the ability to purchase ads at half price.

Under the programming deal worked out by the drug office, networks can reduce the amount of ad time they are required to provide to the government by airing anti-drug shows. The networks can then sell air time that would have gone to the government for half price to regular advertisers for full price.

"No sacrifice is too big when you're in the middle of a drug war."

McCaffrey discussed the complexities of getting the right message across. "We realize that you cannot 'shoehorn' a drug message in a script where it does not belong," he testified. "It must appear organically." He added: "Sometimes only a one second frown or wave of the hand when someone is offered marijuana is all that is needed."

Gen. McCaffrey went on to describe the network writers as "the most talented people in America."

At this point the press conference was abruptly terminated when everyone realized the Drug Czar was obviously stoned on some yet to be determined designer drug.

DEA agent Boris Kruztche noted, "We became suspicious when he started babbling about organic marijuana, but when he described TV writers as 'the most talented people in America' we knew he was on something."

"We intend to subject him to the latest in preventative drug testing, the new Finger Test. We take one of the suspect's pinkie fingers, drop it in the blender, and set it on high speed. The blended finger practically insures that the suspect will never want to do anything the least bit suspicious, ever again."

"The sample is then analyzed with very accurate results. The only problem with the test is that our lab techs are a bunch of drunks and they tend to confuse the samples with Bloody Marys, at least before 9 am. When that occurs, we are forced to take another pinkie, but no sacrifice is too big when you're in the middle of a Drug War."

Gen. McCaffrey was unavailable for comment, but his wife did admit that she was glad that the Penis Test hadn't worked out in developmental studies. "I'm old enough not to want more children, but when he'd get a hold of some of that bootleg Viagra, we could cut the rug all night. At least we'll still have that."