Local Man "Doesn't Give a Shit" About That Stupid Cuban Kid

New Jersey (Associated Poets) - Local man Roger Thompson held a press conference today in which he announced that he "truly doesn't give a shit about that stupid Cuban kid." His total lack of interest in the

The newsworthy Heather Locklear

dispute between the U.S. and Cuba over Elian Gonzalez is inspiring and wonderful, say local experts. "He's ready fed up with all this bullshit," said one expert. "He told me over and over again, 'Why should I care about this kid? Geez, it's not like he's an ambassador or president or something. We don't need to hear about this crap. What we do need to hear about is Marie Osmond's recent divorce, or Heather Locklear's gorgeous breasts. Now that's real news!'"

He concluded by hinting that it would be a shame if the U.S. were to "accidentally" bomb Cuba. "Yeah, that would be a real shame. I'd really hate to see it, but hey, accidents do happen."