Presidential Bullshit: An Analysis

AP (Associated Poets)

The following is an analysis of presidential campaign debate in its current form. If we look at the language that the candidates are using, we can see a distinction between what they're saying and what, if anything, they actually mean. When we take what they say and run it through they Presidential Bullshit Decoder, or PBD, we can see what they candidates are actually saying to each other. Let's take an example from a debate between Bill Bradley and Al Gore and see what these two are really saying to each other.

From the original debate:

Gore: Bill, you have continuosly misrepresented my voting record to suit you own purposes.

Bradley: Well Al, before you were vice president, you were a conservative southern Democrat, and the American People deserve to know that.

Once we run this through the PBD, we can see what these two are really saying to each other:

Gore: You're dumb.

Bradley: You're dumber.

Gore: Well, you stink.

Bradley: you stink worse.

Gore: you like to smell your own farts

Bradley: DO not!

Gore: Do too!

Now, let's take a look at the Republican Debate:

Bush: I'm the real conservative!

McCain: No, I'm the real conservative!

Bush: I've presided over 121 executions! So there!

McCain: Yeah? Well let me tell you about this little thing called war, buddy. It's kill or be killed. You just don't stack up unless you pulled the switch yourself.

Once we run this particular debate through the PBD, we can see how these two candidates are actually using language to express themselves.

Bush: UH! UH! UH! (thumps on chest) UH!

McCain: UUUUUUUUUUUUUH UH! (pounds on podium) UH! Uh! UH!!!!!

Bush: UH UH UH UH UH! (Stomps on floor) Uh!

McCain: UH UH UH! (thumps on chest)

Bush: UH! UH! UH! (throws wad of bovine fecal material)

McCain: EEEEEEEEWWWWWWW! UH UH UH!!!!!

We can see by this example that presidential debate in this particular primary season has degenerated from yelling and soap-box climbing to something entirely more base, although this could be seen in some camps as an improvement. In both cases the language of insult is very thinly, and not particularly cleverly, disguised as the language of political debate.

Final analysis:

• All major party candidates blow.
• Asking which one is best is like pulling four or five newly dead fish from a polluted lake, letting them sit in a closed metal box for four or five days, and then asking which one stinks the least.

Editor's Note: Newspoetry apologizes for the belated publication of this report, which is now not as timely as it could have been. We present it because we hope you will agree that Ms. Bargar's analysis is as timeless as it is cogent.