Term Limitation Deadlock
Former President Taft, Vice President Agnew Cloned

he state department reported today that former president Taft has successfully become the first human ever to be cloned. Though cloning a human is technically illegal, the House Subcommittee on All Things Technically Illegal took over the entire judicial branch of the government for just long enough to rule that cloning of a human "on accident", is not technically illegal. The ruling was based on the 1896 "'Cause I said so!" precedent set by the Supremacist Court in

The cloning of a human "on accident" is not technically illegal.

Brown-and-Serve V. The Bowl of Tapioca Pudding, the landmark case in which no arguments were presented for why things are the way they are. The temporary coup of the judicial branch was pulled off, high officials in the geometrically coolest looking of the government buildings said, through means of an advanced military maneuver in which republican representatives said, "Look!," while pointing towards the horizon behind the judiciary officials' backs. "The way this tactic worked," said Admiral Stockdale of the Pentagon, "is that the judges turned their backs to look just long enough for the coup to have the desired effect." This tactic had only been used once before, by the military in order to start the Vietnam War unnoticed by the American public. The decision to use it again came just moments before former president Taft became conscious for perhaps the first time in one hundred and fifty years.

The cloning was the accidental result of an experiment in biogenetically engineered planets performed by the Monsanto Corporation's Two Earths for Every Developer science wing. Scientists attempted to mix genes from Tang Instant Breakfast Drink with genes from Little Debbie Ho-Ho Snack Cakes in hopes of getting a rain-resistant form of reservoir. Yet, chief scientist Jack Ass reports that an impatient crypto fascistic pseudopod accidentally "jacked off in his deaf o.j." during the experimental phase of the experiment. A tiny drop of his "superfly sperm" fell into the genetic mix, which resulted in the cloning of former President Taft.

The cloning raised serious questions concerning term limitations, as Taft had been president previous to the enactment of term limitations for presidency. The matter is complicated by the fact that Taft has decided to run for the presidency in hopes of getting his brass bathtub back, which now sits in the White House National Federal Republic of Ronald Regan International Bathroom in the north-easterly-most west wing of the White House.

The Geraldine Ford Experiment

Still further controversy has arisen over another cloning which happened when Monsanto accidentally dumped fifty pounds of genetically modified feces into a centrifuge containing the split genes of a former vice presidential hopeful and a former president. The intended result of the splitting of these genes in the project, known as the Geraldine

"We think these are things to be concerned about. However, we don't think there's anything to be concerned about."

Ford Experiment, Monsanto officials say, was the development of a worser tasting, high-yield, hybrid, sun-retardant strain of botulism that tastes delicious. Instead of this, however, with modified feces thrown in the mix, former vice president Spiro T. Agnew was cloned. Complications arose this morning when Agnew in a deranged state attempted a drive by shooting of President Clinton in hopes of becoming the next president. Analysts in Washington are unsure if Agnew's vice presidential status technically would usurp that of Al Gore were Clinton to find himself in the clutches of an unavoidable run in with death. Opinions are split, half appealing to the 1801 "I Got Here First!" precedent in Whitey, Whitey and Whitey V. Youpeople, half appealing to the 14.5th amendment's "Oh Yeah!?" clause.

While environmentalists express concerns that the Monsanto accidents violate international law and may result in hitherto unknown actions on the part of an elite group of craphounds in Washington, an official spokesperson for Monsanto says, "We at Monsanto share these concerns. We think these are things to be concerned about. However, we don't think there's anything to be concerned about." (actual approximate quote from a Monsanto official on Pacifica News on 3/6/00).