Clinton makes muclear ban plea

uring his recent Asian tour, President Clinton inadvertently revealed the existence of a new type of weapon of mass destruction, the muclear bomb. While such weapons had been rumored to exist, official denials had been successful in stifling further inquiries until Clinton let the cat out of the bag (or, in his case, the dachshund out of his trousers).

Even when given the opportunity to "correct" himself, to pretend that he had meant to say "nuclear," the President admitted, in a moment of stunning candor few thought him capable of achieving, that he was, in fact, deeply concerned about the reports that many Third World nations, too poor to support full-fledged nuclear weapons development, had instead begun researching the feasibility of creating a muclear bomb.

When asked what exactly a muclear bomb was, the President continued telling the truth, much to the consternation of several members of his staff, some of whom actually fainted and had to be taken to a nearby hospital. "A muclear bomb," the President explained, "is a terrifying device that when detonated produces incomprehensibly vast amounts of yellow-green, slimy, icky, retch-inducing mucous that would incapacitate any area even close to the blast zone.

"Imagine, if you dare, an uncovered sneeze from your chronically ill and allergy-plagued Uncle Rube that sprays spit and snot everywhere and leaves a huge foot-long booger dangling from his chafed red nostril and then multiply that repugnant scenario by a factor of, say, several trillion and you'll have just an inkling of the horrors that await us if this muclear technology ever reaches fruition and is used by some unscrupulous terrorist state."

Antihistamine Missiles a Disappointment

The President was then asked by one gagging journalist whether there was any known defense against a muclear attack. "Unfortunately," the President replied, "preliminary research into the possibility of converting the still

"Imagine, if you dare, an uncovered sneeze from your chronically ill and allergy-plagued Uncle Rube that sprays spit and snot everywhere and leaves a huge foot-long booger dangling from his chafed red nostril and then multiply that repugnant scenario by a factor of, say, several trillion and you'll have just an inkling of the horrors that await us if this muclear technology ever reaches fruition and is used by some unscrupulous terrorist state."

unreliable Star Wars technology into some sort of pre-emptive Hankerchief Defense Perimeter, has not been encouraging. Antihistamine missiles have also been disappointing."

Asked whether the United States was currently working on a muclear bomb, the President would only say, "I have no comment on that, except to remind you that it has always been this government's policy to never be the only country caught with its hanky at the cleaners, or, in my case, with my weinerschnitzel far from its sauerkraut. Muclear bombs must be banned. Now."

The Cincinnati Post contributed to this report.