Pentagon Proposes Stupid, Money-Wasting Defense System
"We're not surprised," Russian Leaders Claim

AP (Associated poets):

oday, the Clinton Administration announced plans to build a $1,000,000,000 nuclear defense system the would defend the American people against "heavy-impact mammalian weather," more commonly known as "raining cats and dogs."

"We see this as a potentially serious situation; can you imagine the horror of dogs and cats hitting and splattering all over the ground in a thunderstorm? Can you imagine the screams of horror at the sight of

"We must be prepared to shoot these animals down with massive nuclear weapons."

animal guts and other bits scattered all over the ground? This is exactly the kind of threat against which we have been inexcusably lax, and we intend to get tough aginst all forms of heavy-impact mammalian weather. We simply must be prepared to shoot these animals down with massive nuclear weapons in case they start fallin on us," a senior pentagon official was quoted as saying.

Top Russian officials have stated that this proposed nuclear defense system violates every treaty the United States and Russia have ever signed. "Not only is this a treaty violation, it's just plain stupid," the Russian Defense Minister was quoted as saying. "It just doesn't rain cats and dogs. It never has rained cats and dogs, and it never will rain cats and dogs. This is simply another example of the US trying to find an excuse to build another pointless nuclear defense system. We are reminded of the Great Banana Cream Pie Scheme of 1994, and the Lethal Clown Nose From Space fear of 1985."

"Just because it has never rained cats and dogs doesn't mean that

"It just doesn't rain cats and dogs."

it never will," the Pentagon responded. We have to protect the American People against every threat, no matter how theoretical it is. Can you imagine the outcry if people started getting hit over the head by a 120-pound Great Dane during a tornado?"

Top Russian Officials have simply laughed at the plan. "You can not hit an animal falling at the velocity that a 120 pound dog would with a nuclear warhead. Warheads simply aren't that precise. Is this really appropriate? 'Raining cats and dogs' is nothing more than a stupid English metaphor, not an impending threat."

To top it off, people who bothered to respond to an internet poll overwhelmingly responded that, "This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard." Only about a dozen respondents answered, "Huh?"