Elian Gonzalez Killed by Crayon

AMUNDSEN-SCOTT SOUTH POLE STATION, ANTARCTICA (Associated Poets):

lian Gonzalez died today after eating a "burnt sienna"-colored Crayola crayon containing dangerous levels of asbestos. Elian Gonzalez's father is reportedly distraught, though he has not spoken to the press. Reports of a suicide note scrawled in crayon have not surfaced or been substantiated.

This all took place far north of here in the United States, which is enjoying lovely summer weather this week and is not a vast plain of

Antarctica

ice shrouded in darkness and constant 60-degree-below-zero temperatures with hundred-degree-below-zero wind chill factors.

Fidel Castro was quick to denounce Crayola as a capitalist organization intent on amassing profits for elites by pandering to a bourgeois consumer class at the expense of exploited workers. He added that this does not make it different from any other company in a capitalist economy.

He also had a personal message for Time magazine columnist Lance Morrow, who he said should keep his embarrassing, masturbatory pro-capitalist fantasies to himself rather than publishing them to be read by millions of people.

Cuba's weather continues to be downright tropical, with deciduous vegetation and liquid water ubiquitous. I don't think it even ever snows there, much less remains completely covered in snow for months and years on end.