McDonald's Gives Stock Market Serious Heartburn, Gastritis, Appendicitis, Irregularity, Gall Stones, Liver Disease, Migraine Headaches, "The Runs", Pattern Baldness, Really Bad Gas, Ingrown Toenails, and "The Vapors"

New York, New York (Associated Poets):

oday, the stock market had to be rushed to a nearby clinic when it was discovered to be suffering form a whole host of nasty diseases it allegedly contracted by eating at a McDonald's. "I thought I'd give Mcdonald's a sales boost. It's profits have increased by only 7 percent in the first half of this year. I felt that I should help boost sales a little bit, so I decided against my usual fare and ate at a McDonald's for lunch. I never should have eaten there," the market lamented.

The market had ordered the Big Mac^TM Supersize Meal. The meal, which included a Big Mac, Supersize Fries, and a soft drink, and consumed

I should never have eaten there.

it at a downtown McDonalds at around 1:15 PM today. The meal took about 15 minutes to consume and "was tasty, if a bit greasy," the stock market commented to reporters as it ate. It returned to work and within hours was "visiting the bathroom with increasing frequency every minute, making work very difficult."

"I can't be laid up with a bunch of uncomfortable medical conditions! I've got to lay the ground work for running the world's economies and increasing corporate profit margins! Man, the NASDAQ is going to catch back up with me in prestige and name recognition if I can't get back on my feet today. The doctors say it's going to be next week before I can even think of returning to work," the market moaned between trips to the bathroom.

The workers at the McDonalds, who haven't seen an increase in wages or an improvement in working conditions in years, showed little concern when they heard about the stock market's health problems. "I don't see what the problem is," one anonymous individual stated. "The stock market has health insurance. It's not like it found a roach in its food."