The Scribblings of an Insane Genius
(discovered on a discarded wallpaper sample)

 am writing in favor of the disparate proportion of chemistry to physics in contemporary newspaper articles pertaining to cheese. Cheese, as we should well know, contains both chemical and physical properties. Not too unlike those of a presidential platform, (or a raise in the minimun wage), they recall instead that time that you ran into your ex and found out that they had joined a cult and had eight kids. Fantastic, you might say? You might, but you'd be wrong. And that has nothing to do with the chemical make-up of roller derby. H₂O is what it's all about, where it all starts. Well, H and O start elsewhere, I guess. As does ₂. Did ₂ start before H and O? Or did H and O start before ₂? Do you have to have H and O before you can have ₂, or can you have ₂ of something before the somethings

Should we decriminalize Strom Thurmond?

themselves actually exist? This is all in the theoretical sense, of course. But can you have a theoretical sense before you have anything to be thoeretical about? Ah, the philosophical debate of our time! Like, does cold coffee make you hotter? And should we decriminalize Strom Thurmond? I guess we would have to criminalize him first. Which brings me to the criminalization of nearly everything fun, like lawn Jarts. Why don't we just criminalize everything, starting with Strom Thurmond and working our way parallel? Then we can talk about Speedy Rail. Who really needs Speedy Rail? Everyone knows that it takes most of a day to get from Chicago to St. Louis and vice-versa. We're only going to make shopping easier by knocking two hours off the trip, and who wants that? And it's going to cut down on our siesta time! Back to the theoretical sense; who can we trust to bring it to our attention without trying to flummox us into submission? Answers, I want answers! And a stiff drink to help digest them! Give me pasta with organic mushrooms, garlic, and tomatoes! Or an edible copy of the New York Times. Let's face it; you simply can't have an uninsured bassoon leading the revolution. You've got to have that bassoon insured to the teeth!