Aaron's Alphabetic Advancement: an Atrocity?

Aquila, Arizona (AP) -- Alphabetically, Adam Aaronson arrived ahead; an advantageous arrangement. Aaron's achievement (academic and athletic) accelerated. Adam accepted all A's and an auspicious appointment at Amherst.

Are Adam and accomplices abusing alphabetic advancement? Affirmative, activists adamantly allege.

"Adam and alphabetically-advantaged American adolescents alike appropriate arbitrary, artificial, anachronistic ancestral appelations, anointing anyone at "A" alphabetically as an achiever and alienating aspiring alphabetical alternates," an appalled Alastair Aldrich agrees, adding "alphabetically-advantaged adolescents are absolutely average."

Aaronson acknowledges and apologizes, although ambivalently and awkwardly. "Anybody's apathetic anymore," Adam asserts. As alphabetically-advantaged adolescents assimilate, apathy awakens. An Achilles ankle among adolescent alphabetic aristocrats? Ambiguous.

Asked about abolishing alphabetic advantage, Aaronson's ancestors are adamant. "Aaronsons are above-average achievers," Adele Aaronson, Adam's aunt, affirms. "Aaronsons always achieve A+'s and are accomplished architects, amazing acrobats, advanced astronomers, avid adventurers, admired actresses, and acclaimed admirals.

"Aaronsons author ambitious academic analyses and accept auspicious awards amid ardent applause," Adele adds.

An arbitrary arrangement? Ask Zack Zuckerman, an alphabetically-arrested American. "Zany zealots," Zuckerman accuses. An "acrid apricots" attitude -- alternately, an astute assessment.