Ask Your Aunt Barbara: Your Dating Questions Answered

Dear Aunt Barbara,

I've been dating a rather nice young man for some time now. He's very sweet and its been great, but every time we have sex he starts singing schmaltzy love songs and then belching in time with them. I'm more or less grossed out about this behaviour, particularly if he's been eating something stinky. I really don't know what to do; everything is great, except for this. What should I do?

Signed,
Uncertain Betty

Dear Betty,

Are you old enough to be having sex? Ok, I'm going to assume that you're over 35. Look, have you tried being blunt with him? Tell him to his face that this bothers you. And be rude about it. Ask him what species of frog he's descended from. If he doesn't cut it out, then you should dump the bastard. Be nice about it and do it over scotch. And give him a couple of Pall Malls for the road. And don't tell me about your sex life; there are some things that people my age just don't need to know.

Dear Aunt Barb,

I'm from the neighborhood, and I have been seeing a guy who is a bit whacked in the head, if you know what I mean. He doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't drive (not even a Crown Victoria), does yoga, eats granola...all the things that my mother (bless her heart) warned me against. Dating this lefty wierdo is causing a great strain on my life. What should I do?

Signed,
Dating a nutcase in Jersey

Dear Nutcase (and I do mean you),
What are you waiting for? Dump the bastard, now! Don't be nice about it either. As soon as that's done, eat two corn dogs and smoke a pack of Pall Malls. Do not waste Pall Malls and Sanka on a namby-pamby fruitcake like that! If you need any help, give us a call and The Family will do what they can to help in your time of crisis. Good luck, and thank you for not telling me about your sex life.