News Brieves

President Goes to Nebraska

On his first visit to the state of Nebraska, president Clinton nearly started a new civil war by entering the state, which the head of the statewide GOP had declared to be a "Clinton-Free Zone." However, despite the large number of armed militia members that showed up to greet Air force one, no shots were fired, and a White House aide apologized for the lateness of the visit, saying that, "one state had to be last, and no offense to Nebraskans was intended."

Bush Campaign Runs Out Of Sound Bites

The Bush campaign has reportedly run out of reactions to events surrounding the recent presidential election. In an unemotional statement issued this morning, an aide was quoted as saying, "We have no reactions left. We've had them all, and there are none left." Asked whether or not they plan to look for a new supply of reactions, the campaign stated that it was currently looking into alternative sources of reactions, including hiring a team of crack linguists and behavioral specialists to invent new ones.

Variation On A Theme

In a last-ditch attempt to sway the opinions of the FCC, AOL and Time-Warner offered to shove competing internet company Earthlink up each other's assholes as a gesture of ensuring open competition in the internet service market. Other internet companies continue to claim that this does not adequately address their concerns, stating that there must be a better way of ensuring fair competition.

Number Protests Election Controversy

In an unusual move, the number 154 made a statement protesting it's unwitting involvement in the controversy surrounding the recent election. "I did not asked to be associated with all this muck, and I fear that it will ruin my reputation as a trustworthy, non-controversial number." 154 plans to file a lawsuit claiming defamation of character.

Astronaut Agrees with Newspoet

Former Strength John Glenn and feline newspoet Wednesday found themselves in agreement last week. Glenn stated that, had Al Gore bothered to campaign at all in Ohio, he would have won the state, giving him the needed electoral votes to win this election. Wednesday had no comment on the apparent agreement. She has yet to decide whether or not to accept her appointed ambassadorship.