Newspoetry Begins Rolling Blackouts

The Web (Associated Poets):

nes of Netizens found themselves without poetry today as poetry supplier Newspoetry-Schneertz Inc. began instituting rolling blackouts across selected coverage areas. Readers found parts of poems missing and in some cases were redirected to "404" pages upon attempting to read Newspoetry's website.

This drastic measure comes amidst a growing poetry crisis precipitated by rising wholesale costs. Newspoetry has already begun to drastically reduce the amount of irony it supplies because of a sharp rise in the cost of crude irony, driven largely by production cuts on the part of the Irony Producing and Exporting Countries, or IPEC. A recent quarterly report showed that irony was off of its 2nd-quarter high of nearly 50% to just under 20%.

Irony hit a new low in Q4

But the blackouts point to a more critical situation. Newspoetry-Schneertz continues to lose money; revenues remain flat at $0 annually while expenditures total over $120. The company has laid off more workers than it has employed, a strategy which has done nothing to reduce overhead.

Fortunately, President George W. Bush has offered a plan to save Newspoetry which has gained widespread unanimous grass-roots septuapartisan support among a small elite class of his cronies and is therefore an inevitability. The plan calls to sell Newspoetry to DisneyAOLTimeWarner which will: encrust the daily newspoem in several layers of navigation menus jam-packed with blinking banner ads for Nike, the Army ("An Army of One!"), Nabisco, and Pfizer; edit all Newspoetry content for "family-friendliness"; and charge a $29.99/mo access fee.

Then, he plans to deregulate the judiciary, so that individuals and corporations can make arrests, try suspects, and mete out punishments according to the demands of the marketplace and not subject to concerns such as political correctness, ethics, and morality.

After that, he intends to outsource the legislative branch to Manpower, Inc. which will hire temporary workers without benefits to draft legislation to be sent to the White House for approval or veto.

Subsequently, he intends to annex Iceland.