Cheney Working on Newspoetry Shortage Crisis

ashington, DC - Dissociated Poets -- Vice President Dick Cheney was tasked by President George W. Bush today with doing "something" about a national Newspoetry shortage. It was reported that Cheney was a bit frightened about the assignment, but he decided to take it on anyway. "I told the President that it will be pretty tough on a guy with a bad ticker (in referring to his recent, repeated rounds of heart problems.) Geez, have you seen some of the things they say about Republicans?"

Public demand for Newspoetry seems to be forcing the White House hand, whatever the implications for the future of the Republican Party it may hold. Riots have broken out in Berkeley, CA due to Newspoetry rolling blackouts. The National Guard has been put on alert in case the crisis spreads to other western states.

Reports from the East Coast indicate that Newspoetry stocks are extremely limited, with many outlets having only a 24 hour supply of

Artists are rarely happy about much of anything.

Newspoetry on hand. Even in the great Midwest, home of Newspoetry's founder William Gillespie, elevators report that farmers are entirely bereft of supplies of fresh, green Newspoetry. "It's too damn early in the season for fresh Newspoetry!" one crusty old farmer was heard to say, uttering barely audible curses on the damn fool ways of city-slickers under his breath.

Cheney first proposed drilling for more Newspoetry in a wildlife refuge in Alaska, but then nixed that proposal when he found out that Newspoetry flows too slowly at -70 below 0.

As an alternative, Cheney proposed that the government actually give away ample supplies of "confiscated" cocaine, accidentally discovered in the basement of the CIA by the President on a secret tour of secret government party facilities in the DC area last weekend, in exchange for Newspoetry. "The President said there was plenty left and that the CIA would just get more dope anyway," Cheney mused, noting that if he didn't stay away from the CIA-marching powder, he would be back in the hospital by the weekend.

When informed that your average Newspoet mostly prefers Beck's beer and the occasional doobie to anything strong enough to kill an elephant, Cheney fumed that artists are "rarely happy about much of anything and would just as soon slack off."

In one last move to increase the supply of Newspoetry, Cheney was said to have offered to exchange accused Russian spy and former FBI agent Robert Hanssen to the Russians for ten Russian Newspoems. Sources indicate that the Russians aren't even being asked to translate the Newspoems, which may lead to some problems with formatting servers and search engines at Newspoetry Inc. headquarters in Urbana.

Newspoetry CEO Joseph "Joe" Futrelle said a government grant will probably cover all costs, but indicated that Newspoetry will still not be profitable this year in a blow to Wall Streets hopes that rising prices for Newspoetry inputs would lead a recovery in the stock market.