The 2003 NBA All-Star Hoop-it-up for Debt Relief

Ernie Johnson: Welcome to the 2003 NBA All-Star Hoop-it-up for Debt Relief. This is Ernie Johnson coming to you from the MCI Center in Washington, D.C. home of the Washington Wizards, and I'm joined as always by Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley, and Kenny, we have a very special event tonight.

Kenny Smith: That's right Ernie, and it's one we're probably not going to see again.

Charles Barkley: I hope we don't see it again, because those guys can't play.

Johnson: Charles, talking of course about U2, who will be taking on Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O'Neal, Allen Iverson, and Michael Jordan in a 3-on-3 matchup that could have a major impact on the history of the world.

Barkley: What is U2 doing playing these guys?

Johnson: That's certainly a good question Charles, now here are the rules. Halfcourt, eight minute game clock, sudden death overtime, one time out, and if U2 wins, all the debts of developing third world nations will be cancelled, whereas if the NBA team wins, they will split $30 million four ways. Kenny, what can we look for in this matchup?

Smith: Well I think we need to look at Shaq. Because U2 may have the biggest sound and the biggest conscience out there, but that doesn't mean they have the power or the agility to shut Shaq down in the low post.

Barkley: And can they shoot? I don't think so.

Johnson: That'll certainly become clear as we get underway here with the opening tip.

Barkley: And what about Bono's glasses? That is just ugly.

Johnson: Bryant winning the tip easily, and kicks it out to Iverson, who shoots for three no good. But the Edge can't come up with the rebound, so it's NBA ball. Kenny, what do you think U2's strategy ought to be tonight?

Smith: Well, I don't know about strategy, but I think you're going to see a lot of will power out there, because they really care about the plight of the third world.

Barkley: But will power is not going to win this one, they're going to need to make shots.

Johnson: Well with no team scoring yet, Bryant inbounds to Iverson, who pulls the trigger immediately for two, opening up a lead for the NBA.

Barkley: That lead is just gonna get bigger.

Johnson: The Edge inbounds to Bono, who takes it out to three point range and looks for an open band member. U2 is going with a small lineup, with Bono at just 5 foot 8. Bono's pass finding Adam Clayton, who shoots ... rejected by Shaquille O'Neal out of bounds, last touch obviously by the NBA team.

Smith: That's an easy break for U2, and they're going to need a lot more easy breaks before it's all over.

Johnson: Clayton inbounds to Bono, who looks like he's going to shoot but thinks better of it, under intense defensive pressure from O'Neal and Bryant but manages to get a pass out to the Edge, who shoots from two point range, and that was way off.

Barkley: I told you they can't shoot.

Smith: And even if they could shoot, they're going to have to shoot past one of the league's top shot blockers.

Johnson: Referring of course to Shaquille O'Neal, who came up with the rebound this time. Bryant looks like he's about to drive to the inside, but just pulls up for three, and it's good.

Barkley: But where's U2's defense? If they're just gonna leave guys like Kobe open, this is gonna be a short game.

Johnson: Well, it's going to be a short game anyway. With the score 5 to nothing, U2 is looking for a way to come off the NBA's screen.

Smith: Do these guys even know what a screen is?

Johnson: And Bono drives to the inside, stolen by Iverson, who's just too fast for him, to Bryant with the jam! That's 7 unanswered points by the NBA, and it looks like they really want that $30 million.

Smith: But you've got to admire the passion of U2's Bono who was looking to beat Kobe Bryant off the dribble and drive past Shaq, all for third world debt relief.

Johnson: That debt relief would sure help the third world. It's interesting that Dikembe Mutombo wasn't chosen for this team, because not only is he the only four-time NBA defensive player of the year, but his foundation has given millions to his home continent.

Barkley: Maybe they should have put him on the U2 team, and this game would actually be worth watching.

Johnson: Speaking of the U2 team, Bono has just made a pass to Adam Clayton, who is fouled hard by O'Neal.

Barkley: Now that is just unnecessary.

Johnson: Clayton looks hurt, let's look at the replay.

Smith: You see, Clayton landed on his ankle here, and you can see him wince as O'Neal comes down on top of him.

Johnson: So U2 is going to substitute drummer Larry Mullen, Jr. for the injured Adam Clayton, and they will inbound with just over six minutes to play here at the MCI Center. Mullen is looking for an open man, and is having a hard time, and the Edge just looks tired.

Smith: Well, the NBA has Iverson on him, and I don't think there's a rock star in the world with his speed and agility, except maybe Prince.

Barkley: But Prince is even shorter than these guys.

Johnson: Mullen finally finding Bono, who drives inside and then gets off a beautiful underhand pass to the Edge who shoots and another airball for the guitarist.

Smith: That was actually a nice pass.

Johnson: Bryant inbounding to Iverson, who drives through Mullen and hands it off to Shaq with a beautiful dunk and the foul!

Smith: You've got to admire this drummer for going up against Shaq, but Shaq is just too powerful for him, on the replay here you can see him just bounce off of Shaq like a mannequin and he did get a little bit of the arm there, so it's a good call.

Johnson: Colorful imagery from Kenny Smith here, now both teams have one foul here, and if you remember the foul limit is three, which means both teams have two fouls to give. Charles, if you're U2, what are you thinking here?

Barkley: Well, I'm thinking, is there any other way to get third world debt relief, because I can't win against these guys.

Smith: Seriously, I think U2's in trouble because they've got to double-team Shaq or maybe even triple-team him.

Barkley: Or even quadruple team him!

Smith: But if they double-team Shaq then they're going to leave two of the best basketball players in the world open. And they have got to start taking more shots, because that's the only way they're going to make any.

Johnson: U2 now 0 for 3 from the field with six to go. Mullen to Bono who shoots for two and it's good and the crowd is going wild.

Barkley: That's just got to be embarrassing for Shaq.

Smith: Shaq was just a little too late trying to block that one.

Johnson: NBA looking to nip this trend in the bud and Kobe to Iverson who answers with a drive to the hoop and there's nothing U2 could do about that one.

Barkley: Iverson is the answer.

Johnson: Iverson in the replay here beating Bono off the dribble easily and a graceful layup bringing the NBA's lead back to 9, and a time out.

Smith: See, I think U2 has got to foul Shaq and hope that he can't make the free throws, and then get Bono the ball because he's probably their best player.

Johnson: Cheryl Miller is courtside with U2. Cheryl?

Cheryl Miller: I'm here with Bono, the lead singer of U2 and the only member of this team who has scored tonight. Bono, how do you think it's going, and how important is third world debt relief to you?

Bono: I think it's going better than we expected, but I think the most important thing here is the plight of the third world. We shouldn't have to play a ridiculously unfair basketball game to draw the world's attention to this very serious issue.

Miller: What is your strategy going to be for the remainder of the game?

Bono: It's hard to really think about strategy. We just need to remember what this is about.

Miller: What about Shaquille O'Neal? Adam Clayton has already been injured trying to stop O'Neal, and what are you going to do about him going forward?

Bono: Well obviously we don't want any more injuries, but unless we go up hard against Shaq, the third world may be saddled with unbearable debt for decades.

Miller: Thank you Bono of U2, and good luck.

Bono: Thanks.

Miller: Back to you, Ernie.

Johnson: Thank you Cheryl, we'll see what U2 has in store for Shaq as we get back into the action. Bono kicks it into to Mullen and back to Bono who shoots, but it's short, and Shaq has the rebound. Iverson easily getting open for Bryant's inbound pass, to Shaq in the paint and U2 are all over him, that was a hard foul and now uh oh we've got a brawl here. The refs are trying to get in between Shaq and Bono here, and it looks like Clayton is limping over to get into the action as well.

Barkley: What the fuck is going on?

Johnson: I think we're going to see some technicals here and certainly some ejections, because sportsmanship has really flown out the window here. Cheryl, what's happening?

Miller: Well as I'm sure you can see on the replay, that was a very hard foul and it looked like Bono had his hands around Shaq's neck. Shaq apparently wasn't too happy with that, and started throwing punches.

Johnson: Thanks Cheryl, this is becoming a familiar story here with Shaquille O'Neal. The referees are trying to sort things out. It looks like there are double technicals both ways, and Shaq, Bono, Clayton, and the Edge are all being ejected from the game. Which leaves Mullen to hold his own against Kobe Bryant, Allen Iverson, and Michael Jordan who will come in to replace Shaq as center.

Barkley: This game is over.

Johnson: Shaq is clearly starting to lose it here, I mean this is charity game against celebrities, after all.

Smith: Well you have to remember two things here Ernie. First of all, Shaq takes this kind of beating regularly, and second of all, it doesn't matter how important third world debt is, you cannot strangle a center like that.

Barkley: Plus there's that $30 million.

Johnson: That may be a factor. Well, when we come back, Larry Mullen, Jr. and Michael Jordan will each shoot two technicals, and we'll see if Mullen can salvage third world debt relief from this very unusual turn of events at the 2003 NBA All-Star Hoop-it-up for Debt Relief.

Barkley: He can't beat these guys. C'mon!

Johnson: With the score NBA 11, U2 2, with three minutes on the clock and half the players ejected, we'll be back in a few minutes.

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