RE: winter

Dear Mr. President,

We are writing to request, nay, demand the return of winter to the Midwest. Out here on the prairie, we are accustomed, both personally and environmentally, to having at least a foot of snow on the ground for most of the winter. Yet this winter, the ground is bare. This is a tragic situation for us, which we understand you have contributed greatly to by being a scofflaw to the world. You have invested unwisely, pursued environmental degradation in the name of profits, and poo-pooed the world on global warming. We understand that money and power are beloved to you, and so we ask you to understand that our winter is beloved to us. And since we have done nothing to stand in the way of your faulty profit-making schemes (save graze on public land), we fail to see why we have been targeted to receive such boundlessly unfair treatment.

For example, we have had rain instead of snow. The ground can only hold so much water, leading to a greater amount of runoff than would normally occur. This leads to a greater occurrence of leaching of applied nitrates than would normally occur, which of course goes straight into our drinking supply. Mr. President, have you ever had unfiltered NH3 running through your once-pristine source of drinking water? Evidently not, for if you had, you would know just how foul it tastes, and you would wish to spare us this injustice.

And furthermore, last years calves will not have the pleasure of frolicking in the snow the way our generation did at their age. I ask you, what did they do to you to deserve this?

Your unwise decisions, and those of your cohorts, have robbed us of our precious and beloved winter. We demand the return of one of our most priceless and beautiful seasons. If we do not receive our winter within the next few weeks, we shall show our strength in ways that the Secret Service is unprepared to deal with.

Signed,
The North Central North American Joint Bison Committee of Reticulated, Detached, Deployed, and Fermented Bison
March 19, 2002