Massive Republican Election Victory
November 6, 2002

lection Analysts were shockingly surprised by yesterday's election results throughout the Nation. Major polls had projected, and early poll-exit interviewing seemed to be confirming that the Democrats were ousting Republicans from many offices at both state and national levels. However, in the middle of the morning, Director of HomeLand Security, Tom Ridge, announced that his offices had determined that certain terrorists were almost certainly in the process of attacking voting places in one or more major urban metropolitan regions in the United States. Director Ridge ordered the Federal forces to move immediately from high level Red Alert to Ultra-Null-Secret-Protective-Reaction Red-Alert.

According to an unnamed intelligence analyst, the Director's UNSPRAY authority is delegated to him by the Commander-In-Chief, under the DictatorShip Protocols of the Elder nee Scions Enigmate [aka the Shadow Government of the United States]. The legitimacy of the DiSPENSE Department, itself, rests on the inherent right of any nation to defend itself, by any means possible, against all of its foes, both foreign and domestic.

Nothing bad happened in America.

In any event, UNSPRAY and DiSPENSE forces immediately took to the streets in major cities, driving around polling places warning loudly and repeatedly that voting could be hazardous to your health. Heavily armed and uniformed guards, dressed in desert brown uniforms, complemented by striking red shoulder patches and attractive black belts, also began appearing outside the doors of voting places where the estimated threat was deemed to be highest in major inner city precincts. Simultaneous with these actions, high level public affairs officials of UNSPRAY-DiSPENSE also began to appear on all major news programs, to calm the public's nerves by explaining that nothing bad to people would happen if they would just follow the orders being issued for their own safety.

As a result of the UNSPRAY-DiSPENSE measures taken, nothing bad did happen in America yesterday! Faced with almost no election returns to count from major metropolitan regions, Republican leaders stormed home with their troops almost intact: not a single Republican lost, nor a single Democrat won in any contested election.

Democrats who threatened to go to the Courts were strangely silent after the Supreme Court, in the middle of the afternoon yesterday, denied emergency injunctions on a raft of petitions filed with it. The terse opinion for the Court, issued anonymously and anomalously as per curiam, declared, "Petitioners have not shown how they personally would be harmed and greatly risk injuring legitimately elected officials in performing their duties of office. All the votes cast will still be counted, so who cares what the Democrats think? They have always whined too much about fair elections and violations of civil rights. Maybe, after this, we won't have any Democrats kicking us around anymore. All petitions are denied, en masse; also, petitioners and their allies are also denied any right to retry all such issues."

Later that night, some say that Democratic leaders throughout the nation engaged in one last unified physical protest. They appear to have committed suicide, en masse across the Nation, like the herd of lemmings they were, with bullets found lodged in each and every one of their brains. No one appeared to mourn their passing except for Ralph Nader, but he then vanished in a mental health truck that had been sent out to collect him and his totally insane supporters.

Radios everywhere could be heard blaring:

Happy days are here again!
Skies above are clear again...

And, in this reporter's honest opinion, we can all look forward to a long lifetime of such greater happiness. The long forgotten Era of Good Feelings, and the triumph of Good-Time Charleys, has returned. Cheers!