What Did You Learn Today?

Dateline Madrid --

Seeking respite from the profoundly silly conflict between Spain and Morocco over an overgrown sandbar called Parsley, I recently delved into my backlog of English-language newspapers. Big mistake. Maybe I've been away too long, but my initial reaction to the latest slurry of scandals and hysteria was, "Are all Americans crazy?"

Then, upon reflection, I remembered why I left the States in the first place. Back then, I made a list of the principles under which my beloved native country seemed to be operating. These were things that nobody ever said, but everybody knew, at least subliminally. I still have the list, and it pains me to say those principles hold truer now than when I left. For what it's worth, here they are, in no particular order:

• We must curtail freedom in order to preserve it.
• The seperation of Church and State does not apply to Conservative Christians.
• Our security depends on the government's ability to conceal its actions.
• Wealth breeds contempt for the law.
• Recruiting Americans to spy on their fellow citizens is fine as long as you don't pay them.
• We bear no responsibilty for the hostility others feel towards us.
• For the wealthy, public humiliation is an acceptable substitution for thirty years in prison.
• Civil liberties are only for those who can afford them.
• Subverting the sovereignty of other nations is OK if there's oil money involved.
• The United States does not have to play by anybody else's rules.
• All the paranoid fantasies of the last fifty years are coming true.

Suddenly, fighting over an uninhabited islet with a silly name seems positively benign in comparison. At least they waited until the World Cup was over.